“I have a real thing for zombie survival guides. It takes a special mind to do one really well. Kenny Van Dyke Jr.’s Holy Crap! It’s Zombies! A Zombie Bathroom Reader is one of the best I’ve found by far.” — Jay Wilburn
Teaser From Holy Crap! It’s Zombies! A Zombie Bathroom Reader
by Kenny Van Dyke Jr.
Tip #3 – Make A Kit
A hatchet: Very versatile, it’s good for killing zombies at close range, chopping poles in event of outdoor survival, and chopping through walls or ceilings if you’re trapped inside a room.
A framing hammer: Again, good for zombie killing at close range, but most important for hammering up boards for fortification. Oh, and don’t forget the nails.
Flares: Not only are they good for signaling passing helicopters, but in the event of outdoor survival, they’re great for starting fires with wet tinder. Flares are also moderately effective at keeping small groups of zombies at arm’s length.
Cyanide capsules: Hopefully you never have to use these. If you do have to, you’re either about to be eaten alive, or you’re poisoning some human who has you held captive.
Food and water: Have at least a year’s supply of water and non-perishable food. I’d shoot for three years’ worth; the more, the better. Also include iodine tablets for water purification in case of outdoor zombie survival. Yes, that’s a lot of stuff, but you will thank me later (assuming you survive).
Lighters and matches: You want to be able to light a fire for boiling water, cooking food, or signaling other survivors. Also, zombies don’t like fire very much, and this can be used to your advantage in a pinch. Just make sure you don’t draw unwanted attention.
Police Issue Mag-lite: If you don’t know why a long, bright, heavy-metal flashlight with four D-cell batteries would be a good thing to have in a zombie kit, I hope the zombies eat you … and your dog.
Shotgun and ammo: You don’t have to be a sharpshooter to score a head shot on a zombie, so long as you have your boom-stick by your side. Shotgun slugs are great for crowds, as they’ll penetrate multiple skulls, but buckshot allows for easier aiming. Depending on your level of respect for the law, you can either saw off the end of the shotgun barrel prior to zombie attack, or you could keep a hacksaw at the ready in your zombie kit just in case. Also, be sure you have an obscene amount of ammo. Without ammo, your shotgun makes a mediocre club at best, so attach a bayonet and this will become your primary zombie killing tool.
Walkie-talkies: These are a must for all lookouts and sentries so they can communicate with each other and send an early warning to home base in case of approaching zombie hordes. Make sure you bring extra batteries just in case…
First-aid kit: When you’re hauling ass to avoid being turned into zombie chow, you’re bound to get beat up. Whether its barbed wire, sticker bushes, nails, or anything else, it’s important you treat your wounds carefully. An infection (not of the zombie variety) could lead to amputation or even kill you if it goes untreated in a musty attic for a month.
Batteries: During zombie attack, the power will be out quickly and maybe forever. Batteries are good for obvious reasons, such as powering devices like flashlights and radios, but they’re also good for another thing: bartering with other people. Batteries will be worth their weight in gold after a couple weeks of survival.
Rifle and ammo: Usually picking off zombies at a distance is a waste of ammo, but when you’re pinned down and have to send someone on a dirt bike through a crowd of zombies to get help, it sure is nice to be able to lay down some cover fire for the crazy bastard. Again, be sure to have an obscene amount of ammo, and add a bayonet.
Baseball bat: The most famous of the blunt weapons, the baseball bat has a reputation for a reason: it’s durable, effective and anyone can use it. If you’re defending yourself with a baseball bat, you’re already in trouble. You never know when or where the zombies will show up, but as long as you’re smart, the bat should at least buy you enough time to get to a more secure location.
Rope: Good for so many reasons. Climbing, setting traps, reinforcement, even restraining hostile humans, the uses for a good bit of rope never end.
Duct tape: Just like the Mag-lite above; if you don’t know why it would be good to have duct tape during zombie survival, I hope the zombies eat you, and your girlfriend.
Chainsaw: Not only can you use the chainsaw to cut through walls for last minute escape, but to anyone else who’s watching, it looks really cool when you’re tearing through though a wall of zombies. Just be sure to wear safety goggles and keep your mouth shut.
Liquor and cigarettes: Being trapped by zombies sucks. Even if you don’t drink or smoke now, you’ll be glad you have bourbon and cigarettes within just a few hours of the attack. Find your favorite brand of smokes and trade the rest away for food, ammo, gas, etc. The same goes for alcohol (see also Tip #54 “The Liquor Store”). More likely than not, you’re gonna be eaten by zombies long before your liver deteriorates or your lungs shrivel up; you may as well live it up while you can! If you still don’t drink or smoke, they’ll make for good trade.
Wind-up radio: So long as you’re cautious, there is strength in numbers. If the power is out you may not get the broadcast: “there’s an evacuation point five miles from your house”, or “the national guard is scheduled to sweep your neighborhood in two days, so just stay put”. Staying informed is critical to survival, especially when the power is out.
This book! Put a second copy of this book in your kit! Not only will I sell twice as many copies, but even if you read this book, and build a kit, and make a plan, and buy some shotguns and ammo, you may be cut off from the bookshelf where my book is kept during the onset of invasion. The zombie invasion may be years from now, and maybe your “shelf-copy” of my book was lost in a move. But boy, oh, boy, will you be happy to see it again when you open up your zombie kit and really need it.
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