by Jay Wilburn
*Jay Wilburn dodged the zombies as he made his way through the neighborhood streets. It was tough to find the address with so many houses burned down and numbers missing on others, but he thought he finally located it. He knocked.*
Jay Wilburn: Kenny? You here?
*Looked over his shoulder to see if any of the dead heard.*
Kenny Van Dyke Jr.: I’m here. Come on in.
*Walked inside and looked around. Jay made his way to a partially open door deeper in the house and opened it slowly. He found Mr. Van Dyke on the toilet.*
Wilburn: Oh, hey … I can come back later.
Van Dyke: No, it’s fine. What do you need?
Wilburn: Ugh, I’m looking to gather information about surviving the zombies from people who have been writing about them. I came to you first because of your guide book.
Van Dyke: Yeah, sure. Don’t be so awkward. I’m just sitting here reading my latest draft. This is how you test a bathroom reader.
Wilburn: You’re going to publish another one? Won’t that be difficult with … the apocalypse and all?
Van Dyke: Publishing is always difficult. How can I help you?
Wilburn: State your name for the record.
Van Dyke: Kenny Van Dyke Jr. aka Slikkz McFatterson … just kidding.
*Jay laughed politely, but thought Kenny might have seen through it.*
Wilburn: And what is your featured book?
Van Dyke: Holy Crap! It’s Zombies!
*Jay spun around ready to fight, but he only had a pencil and small notebook in his hands.*
Van Dyke: No, I mean, that’s the title of the book. It’s a bathroom reader.
Wilburn: Yes, right, okay … Tell me about it.
Van Dyke: Unlike most books in the zombie genre, Holy Crap! It’s Zombies! is designed as a bathroom reader; it’s not written in any particular order, and is meant to be picked up and flipped open to wherever and read for however long your, ahem … visit takes. It’s chock full of zombie survival tips, tricks, and things to consider, and heavily peppered with dark humor throughout. Everything from dogs as allies to breeding them for food to tips on the rebuild of society… if we survive that long.
Wilburn: I hope so. I have a lot of Netflix originals I’ve missed … How did you prepare your zombie guide book bathroom reader for the many possibilities of zombies?
Van Dyke: Good question. “My” zombies are essentially “bell curve” zombies. I’ve tried to respect all sorts of possible zombies as popularized by the genre, and I’ve gone for the middle ground. Freshly fed, freshly turned zombies are faster than old, hungry zombies. I do say that zombies are louder and more aggressive at night, just to be scarier, but it’s tongue in cheek, so …
*Jay looked out the window at the undead wandering through the yard. He laughed politely again*
Wilburn: What were your inspirations in putting Holy Crap! It’s Zombies! together?
Van Dyke: Night of the Living Dead early 90’s remake if I was limited to one choice for inspiration. Max Brooks’ Zombie Survival Guide demonstrated that zombie-themed books can still have a broad appeal. Ditto The Walking Dead TV show as far as broad appeal. If I had to choose an influence I’d say George Carlin or other cynical comics with dark humor. I dedicate the book to Joe Rogan because it was his words that inspired me to dust off my 15 year old print manuscript and give it an overhaul and actually turn it into a finished product. Also, I could’ve never done it without the support of my wife.
Wilburn: What do you like or dislike about the zombie genre and how did they shape your work?
Van Dyke: I love when the desperation and self reliance aspect of zombie survival is highlighted, but it’s often overshadowed by unrealistic protagonists who would put MacGyver and John Rambo combined to shame. Don’t get me wrong, creativity and strength and just give me some characters that I actually care about first and foremost, who have some depth (losing your wife and being sad/angry is not enough depth). I hate to say it, but like most zombie movies, there are some incredible gems, but most of them are stinkers. Some worse than others. Bad writing in general is what really turns me off. More gore does not make a better story. There are only so many ways to say slimy, slick, wet, gurgling, guttural, garish, bloody, putrid, bones protruding, etc… No matter how many adjectives you throw at it, if the story is bad you can’t paper it over with, “Isn’t that SO horror?!”. I really don’t mean to be so negative, but it’s hard to deny that a fair amount of self-published zombie novels are simply an exercise in self-aggrandizement.
*Jay marked “finish new zombie series A SIMPLE EXERCISE IN SELF-AGGRANDIZEMENT VS ZOMBIES in time for convention season” off his list of things to do.*
Wilburn: What do you think of the future of the zombie genre?
Van Dyke: I think that just like the music industry 15 years ago, with the advent of new online tools, so many self publishing options, and so many outlets for content, there will be a supersaturation of the market. The Walking Dead had so much success that people will want to keep riding the wave, even if they are late to the party like me. The great stuff will be lost in the white noise of it all. The cream will rise to the top eventually downstream, and people will find out after the fact. There WILL be a ton of great work though. Our job will be to help it get the notoriety it deserves!
Wilburn: What do you want people to get out of reading your work?
Van Dyke: Just the fact that there are still unexplored avenues in the zombie genre, and that there is room for a little wry and dark humor to be had. We will need that gallows humor when the zombies come just to keep up the morale.
Wilburn: Thanks, I think I got what I need … Everyone be sure to check out Holy Crap! It’s Zombies: A Zombie Bathroom Reader by Kenny Van Dyke and pick up a copy now.
*Kenny leaned out from the bathroom and looked around.*
Van Dyke: Who are you talking to?
Wilburn: I’ve been on my own for a while. I sometimes pretend like I’m performing for a studio audience … since I’ve lost everyone and will never know how Fuller House will end … haunts me …
*After several seconds of silent stares, Jay exited the house and closed the door behind him.*
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