by Jay Wilburn
(Warning: Not all facts have been verified by a reliable source
… or any source really.)
This is a great post for zombie fans and especially those who don’t mind getting a little fast and loose with the truth and facts and journalistic ethics and their own sense of self-worth. So, hopefully that’s you!
We sent out discredited reporters, the best psychics money could buy, and the drunkest and most surly PI’s we could blackmail. This is the information we got back. It was mostly on stained napkins and scratched on the inside of strip club matchbooks from the early 70’s. We did our best here at the offices of the Summer of Zombie blog tour 2017 to use lots of hand sanitizer and to cobble the data together into a coherent list. We failed on the second part, but this post was the best we could do.
Be sure to check out the latest scandalous work these authors have created.
Now the FUN FACTS (definitely fun and technically facts even if they aren’t true)
Armand Rosamilia
Armand posts pictures of his food, but doesn’t want negative opinions about it.
He despises condiments.
Cheese is a condiment.
He had author John Urbancik over to his house and forced him to watch Catfish
Armand invented a drink made from Deathwish coffee, ice, and Kit Kats.
This drink is not sanctioned by the FDA and does not appear anywhere on the food pyramid.
Armand is suing England because of a cheap knock off of the drink.
The first time he met Bryan Keene he made a weird noise and ran away.
His favorite movie is Beaches.
He runs a protection racket along the Florida coast.
He can speak to dolphins, but doesn’t because they are boring and hate the Boston Red Sox.
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Chuck Buda
Chuck Buda hunts the Jersey Devil three times a week.
He spends the other four days every week completing 7 novels.
His neighbors fear and avoid him.
It is not even about the stuff they should really be scared about.
He brings bagels as gifts everywhere he goes.
He cannot pronounce “bagel.”
The Skunk Ape troops in Florida put out a contract on his life.
He likes Black Metal.
He also likes Country Music.
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Jack Wallen
Jack Wallen has two souls.
His entire life is a performance art piece he won’t explain to anyone.
He has a podcast under a pen name about collector buttons.
Jack’s natural hair color is electric blue, but he will occasionally dye it human colors.
He breaks a microphone every other day.
He hears his cats thoughts, but thinks they are his own.
Jack is the only person to ever eat a White Castle veggie burger.
It was green … on purpose.
He is trying to single-handedly turn Kentucky into a Blue State.
Then, he plans to turn it back just to prove he can.
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S. K. Gregory
S.K. Gregory recently cut her hair short.
She thinks it makes her look 12.
She’s actually 13.
Her real name is Samantha.
Some people call her Sam.
She robs banks under the name Shakra Dynamika
She knows how to make real zombies, but is holding off … for now.
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T. J. Weeks
TJ stands for Tiberious Jauncey.
He’ll tell you it is something else.
It’s easier if you just pretend to believe him.
He used to be part of a street gang known as the Los Burittos.
He got kicked out for making fun of the name.
Weeks won his house at an arm wrestling competition.
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Brent Abell
Brent Abell’s middle initial is T.
No one knows what it stands for.
Not even Brent.
He owns a Big Pharma Empire.
He gives all the money to charity.
He pretends to be a lowly worker to keep an eye on productivity and for free coffee.
Abell’s books are cursed and shutdown three publishers a year.
This picture is color, but Brent walks around in a bubble of Black and White.
He dresses as a Storm Trooper and solves crimes.
His sidekick is a robot named OU-8-1-2
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Peter Welmerink
Peter is not in black and white, but envies Brent Abell.
He lives in Michigan, but smuggles freedom across the border into Canada.
Every picture of him comes with thought bubbles he has to erase in photoshop.
He swam the Great Lakes on a dare.
He knows the secret formula to Coca-Cola and makes it in his basement.
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Derek Ailes
The first Derek Ailes was replaced by a clone.
The comic book companies are actually parodies of Derek’s work.
Celebrities pay for pictures with Derek.
Derek drives a car he built out of foil and duct tape.
The car runs on the tears of politicians.
Derek has an island of cloned dinosaurs and it is doing fine.
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Eric A Shelman
Eric A Shelman is actually the least evil of all Eric Shelmans in the universe.
He’s still pretty evil.
The International Sign Language Society officially recognizes the middle finger as “The Shelman Salute”
The “A” stands for Ass-Kicker-And-Bubble-Gum-Chewer
He still has plenty of Bubble Gum though
He has a successful singing career under the name Sheric Elman.
He has horns under the hat.
They are musical horns.
He doesn’t like when you ask to see them.
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Rebecca Besser
Rebecca raises murder goats.
She pretends it is her son’s project.
Some of her friends call her Becca.
Other people have tried to call her Becca, but they are all dead.
They were eaten by rare American pygmy murder goats.
She has a pen name.
It’s James Patterson.
She hasn’t ever used the name because of that other guy.
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Alathia Paris Morgan
Her middle name is Paris because that’s where her parents hid the crown.
That’s not code for anything. It’s a real crown.
It opens a portal to a magic kingdom full of elves and socialism.
She will get a map to the hidden Paris crown when she turns twenty in two years.
Her hobby is hunting dragons.
She’s very good at it and that’s why you don’t see any.
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Mark Cusco Ailes
Mark’s middle name comes from an angel his great great grandfather met.
The angel predicted Mark would rise to become king of the zombie writers.
His great great grandfather was drunk and the angel’s real name was Cozmo.
Mark has the power to read minds, but never does because it’s rude.
He has met every celebrity both living and dead.
He only has pictures with half of them.
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Angela B Chrysler
Angela can transform into a unicorn.
She does it a lot.
The other unicorns won’t hang out with her anymore.
She can time travel.
She once went back in time and met Mark Ailes’s great great grandfather.
She pretended to be an angel named Cozmo.
He was drunk and believed her.
She told him about Mark being a writer.
She invented Post-Its, but never made a big deal about it.
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Ricky Fleet
Ricky is the only man in England actively planning to conquer a castle.
He pretends to be the ambassador of Freedonia to pick up tourists.
It works 3/5 of the time.
He is riding a broom to America in July.
His favorite drink is the Armando Diabetes Coffee Surprise.
In England, the drink is called the Knock Up and they use Jelly Babies instead of the traditional Kit Kats.
Ricky settled with Armand’s lawsuit and part of his punishment is returning to the Summer of Zombie tour and buying him a drink at Scares That Care.
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Jay Wilburn
Jay Wilburn has three kidneys.
And four hearts.
He was a licensed Baptist minister before he left high school.
He changed denominations and lost his license.
He paid his way through college with unsanctioned cage fighting.
His porn name was Brody Rockborough.
He did not make much money at that.
He ghostwrote the first draft of a pilot which was picked up.
If he thinks a joke is remotely funny, he will spare no time or expense to make it happen.
Jay gets songs caught in his head for months and years at a time.
But only pieces of song which he repeats over and over without realizing it.
He will not run even when being chased.
This includes for political office.
Jay sold Armand’s drink recipe to the Queen of England in exchange for being knighted.
He’s only alive because his wife advocated for him and still does.
Feel free to share other facts you know in the comments.
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I only swam one great lake, and that was Lake Michigan, due to Wisconsin is directly across the lake from me, and I enjoy a Leinenkugel once in a while. I tried to swim back with a semi-trailer from the Leinenkugel Brewing Co. on my back. My superpowers failed me and the trailer sank with all its contents. I still cry at night because of it.